Some Days I Don't Want to Adult

I don't want to adult. I'm sure you've heard this phrase mentioned at least a couple of times in your life. I'm betting some of you will instead hear 'I don't want to be a grown up' when that saying is mentioned but that isn't what it means, well at least not for me.

When I was younger (enjoying my teenage rebellion years) I couldn't wait to make it to adulthood. The thought of more freedom, the chance to choose more things for myself was definitely an appealing one. 

The trouble with what I was thinking back then, it wasn't all very realistic. 

I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me.

It missed out all the things like having to pay bills, for fixing anything broken, having to make hard decisions and being put in unwanted situations.

As a child you can sort of bury your head in the sand because you just know that your parents will somehow deal with it all for you, give you the right advice, lend a helping hand but as an older individual you feel like you can rely on people less and see a problem as yours alone to rectify.

Yes being an adult means independence but it means so much more than that!

It means being responsible not only for yourself but others around you, it means being a person of trust, it means making tough choices which could ultimately affect not only yourself but your dependents, the younger generation. It's what I'd describe as a minefield.

My teenage self knew that I'd have to get a job eventually, that when I became a parent my children would need me for so many things, doing all the things that my mum and dad did for me. However my young mind sort of glamorised this life to come, but even the best parents can't prepare you for the unknown in life.

Where's an adulting handbook when you need one?

I want to drive! I want a job! I want to be and adult ..... I've changed my mind, I want nap time!

Stress. The stress that comes with adulthood is at times terrifying. Unsure of how best to deal with it, can I talk to someone or will they simply tell me to just get on with it? My childhood worries seem petty nowadays compared to how I feel at times lately.

I question so much more. Am I a good mum, was my latest decision the right one, am I setting a good example for those around me?

Sadly, I think I spend more time worrying than I do actually living.

And it's because of these feelings of anxiety that sometimes I'll admit it, I don't want to be an adult all of the time. I don't want to be faced with screwing something up, to be seen as someone so important but I tell myself daily that it's necessary.

There are days where I'd like to stay in bed, to not put on my sensible head, to believe that money grows on trees. I'd be quite happy to pretend that things will carry on regardless of my actions because honestly being an adult somedays is utterly exhausting - physically and emotionally.

The thing is, I know these overwhelming feelings won't last.

I don't want to adult today, you'll find me in my fort colouring.

Because for all my complaints, all the negatives that I can focus on, there are also some pretty, perfect positives to be found in adult life. I guess you could say it's all about finding that balance, but sometimes the scales can tip to the wrong side.

Life is unpredictable and at times unbelievable and I need to remind myself that everything happens for a reason (even the bad things) but that doesn't mean I can't have my bad days.

Some days I don't want to adult and for that I'm not sorry.